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The Premier League is an English professional league for association football clubs.

At the top of the English football league system, it is the country's primary football competition. Contested by 20 clubs, it operates on a system of promotion and relegation with The Football League. The Premier League is a corporation in which the 20 member clubs act as shareholders. Seasons run from August to May, with teams playing 38 games each totalling 380 games in the season. It is sponsored by Barclays Bank and therefore officially known as the Barclays Premier League.

The competition formed as the FA Premier League on 20 February 1992 following the decision of clubs in the Football League First Division to break away from The Football League, which was originally founded in 1888, and take advantage of a lucrative television rights deal. The Premier League has since become the world's most watched sporting league. It is the world's most lucrative football league, with combined club revenues of £1.93 billion ($3.15bn) in 2007–08. It is also ranked first in the UEFA coefficients of leagues based on performances in European competitions over the last five years, ahead of Spain's La Liga and Italy's Serie A.

A total of 43 clubs have competed in the Premier League, but only four have won the title: Manchester United, Blackburn Rovers, Arsenal, and Chelsea. The current champions are Manchester United, who won their eleventh Premier League title in the 2008–09 season, the most of any Premier League team.

Showing Live at Jameson's Bangkok (All times are local Thailand)

Wednesday 3 October

Saturday 20th  February

19.45 EPL Everton V’s Man Utd

22.00 EPL Arsenal V’s Sunderland

22.00 EPL Wolves V’s Chelsea

22.00 EPL West Ham V’s Hull

Sunday 21st February

21.00 EPL Aston Villa V’s Burnley

22.00 EPL Fulham V’s Birmingham

22.00 EPL  Man City V’s Liverpool

23.15 EPL Wigan V’s Tottenham

 


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Competition
There are 20 clubs in the Premier League. During the course of a season, which lasts from August to May, each club plays the others twice, once at their home stadium and once at that of their opponents, for a total of 38 games. Teams receive three points for a win and one point for a draw. No points are awarded for a loss. Teams are ranked by total points, then goal difference, and then goals scored. At the end of each season, the club with the most points is crowned champion. If points are equal, the goal difference and then goals scored determine the winner. If still equal, teams are deemed to occupy the same position. If there is a tie for the championship, for relegation, or for qualification to other competitions, a play-off match at a neutral venue decides rank. The three lowest placed teams are relegated into the Football League Championship and the top two teams from the Championship, together with the winner of play-offs involving the third to sixth placed Championship clubs, are promoted in their place.

 

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Ferguson revels in classic win

Post categories: Football, Manchester City, Manchester United, Premier League
Phil McNulty | 21:49 UK time, Sunday, 20 September 2009

Sir Alex Ferguson - in an attempt to put the club he disregards as "noisy neighbours" in their place - claims he counts Manchester United's confrontation with Liverpool as the real local derby as opposed to the domestic squabble with Manchester City.
Ferguson's words were just one more swipe in a week liberally sprinkled with barbs slung from both sides of Manchester in the preamble to a 96-minute Old Trafford classic. And when horse racing fan Michael Owen won this particular derby the old streetfighter gave the game away.
Amid wild scenes of chaos, joy and despair, Ferguson turned the clock back to 10 April 1993 when a Steve Bruce goal against Sheffield Wednesday effectively won the Scot his first Premier League title.
As Owen's goal hit the back of the net and Manchester City manager Mark Hughes attempted to decipher the logic of a winner being scored six minutes into four minutes of stoppage time, Ferguson was almost lost in ecstasy.
He charged around on the touchline, like a dancer who has taken to the floor without musical accompaniment, jigging with players and staff - while also considerately sparing a thought for the stricken City fans with an emphatic and defiant double-clenched fist salute in their direction.
So if this really is the game he rates below beating Liverpool, then he was either indulging in a very obvious wind-up or stand well clear next time United turn over Rafael Benitez's side. Appearances made it look like one of the sweetest victories of his career.
Despite apparently playing down the signficance of the fixture, this meant a lot to Ferguson. He wanted victory so badly to remind City where the power lies in Manchester and when he got it was happy to show his delight to the world.
It was tumultuous end to a derby - a real derby - that deserves every superlative that will be heaped upon it as well as maybe a few expletives from Ferguson and Hughes provoked by shambolic defending.
Ferguson's explosion of elation was a testimony to the fire that rages inside whenever he sees a threat to Manchester United's domination and also a tribute to Manchester City who, despite what he may say, he can definitely see in his rear view mirror.
Hughes kept his composure in the aftermath of a contentious conclusion but issued ominous words of warning to all, especially Ferguson, when he said: "We're not going away any time soon. We are around for a long time. I can assure everyone of that. We have got the means, resources and will to be better in the future and that is what we are going to do."
And you believed him. Every word.
Hughes' main bone of contention was how fourth official Alan Wiley's board went up for four minutes of stoppages and United struck well into the sixth. The explanation was the length of time City spent celebrating their third equaliser, plus a substitution - but it was not one that satisfied Hughes.
The timings have since proved to be bordeline but remember four minutes was a "minimum" and it should not be ignored that the time was added on for City as well as United. Their respective priorities in those extra minutes, however, were different.
So often a game that has been preceded by hype and harsh words is followed by a damp squib. Not a bit of it here - this outstripped the hype by a distance and will never be forgotten by anyone lucky enough to witness it, for good and bad.
I was fortunate enough to cover Liverpool's 4-3 win against Newcastle United in April 1996 in a previous existence. It is a game offered up as a prime example of the best the Premier League has to offer. You can now put Old Trafford in September 2009 snugly alongside it.
Take the scenes after Owen's expertly taken finish. United's players and fans barely able to contain themselves, Gary Neville running down the touchline with more than an eye on City's supporters, City's players slumped in agony. Craig Bellamy appearing to cuff an idiotic pitch invader, Ferguson doing a brisk march to the tunnel after a brief handshake with Hughes and Hughes almost punching the face off his watch in fury at the amount of added time.
This was a game were sub-plots could be uncovered everywhere, even before kick-off.
There was Carlos Tevez's return to Old Trafford after being paraded as City's new poster boy in a very obvious challenge to United's domination. There was City's new wealth that allows them to rival, and even eclipse, United in the transfer market. There was City boss Hughes' very public declaration of his club's plan to knock United "off their perch" - an ironic echo of Ferguson's own stated intentions towards Liverpool at the start of his Old Trafford reign.
It was all there. We just needed the match - and we got it. "The best derby of all time" announced a euphoric Ferguson, forgetting momentarily that his real derby was meant to be against Liverpool.
As for the match itself - where do you start? A good place is with the simple truth that United fully deserved to win, despite a performance from City that once again suggested they will be a danger to the best this season.
Indeed, for a spell after Gareth Barry cancelled out Wayne Rooney's early strike, City were the more accomplished side and Tevez's dreadful miss when he hit the post in front of an open goal seconds before half-time was pivotal.
In the second half, City were penned in and pummelled by United, inspired by a magical performance from Ryan Giggs. The years fell like scales from Giggs as he was behind every United attack - creating three goals and almost scoring a couple himself.
If we were tempted to start writing the obituaries on a wonderful career, we can put the pen and paper away for a very long time on this compelling evidence. Giggs was the best player on the pitch.
Darren Fletcher and Bellamy exchanged goals of varying degrees of quality before Owen made the defining contribution with the sort of finish that might just open an old England argument if he maintains his fitness.
The pass from Giggs was perfect but Owen's first touch and clinical dispatch showed again that there is still ice in his veins when presented with a crucial chance, even amid the near hysteria that had descended on Old Trafford when he took the ball in his stride at the Stretford End.
Ferguson's description of Owen as "world class" took on greater resonance when his ruthless strike was set alongside Tevez's botch of an easier opportunity.
For Owen, it was a moment of sweet relief, a moment when Cristiano Ronaldo's one-time number seven shirt finally looked a comfortable fit. The hitherto fragile bond between Owen and the United fans who still picture him in the red of Liverpool was sealed.
United's victory must not blind Ferguson to genuine concerns for him and England coach Fabio Capello in a World Cup season.
It is almost the accepted wisdom that Ben Foster is a regular England goalkeeper of the future. He is not - or at least he should not be in his current condition.
Foster had already almost been caught in possession by the time he gifted possession to Tevez for Barry's goal. And his positioning when Bellamy scored City's third goal was miserable, allowing the striker to beat him with ease at his near post.
And then we come to Rio Ferdinand. Struggling for form and fitness - how grateful he should be for Owen's intervention after he was at fault, along with Foster, for that Bellamy goal.
Only he will know what possessed him when he attempted an arrogant (not to mention utterly hopeless) flick over Martin Petrov in the build-up. Ferguson was a picture on the touchline, throwing his hands to his head in a toxic mixture of utter disbelief and rage even before Bellamy then outpaced a labouring Ferdinand to complete the formalities.
You could almost see Ferguson's infamous 'hairdryer' pointing in Ferdinand's direction, especially as he had spent the previous 10 minutes stalking the technical area issuing the clear message not to throw away the three points he thought Fletcher's second goal had given United.
Owen bailed out Ferdinand - and in doing so reminded Hughes and City of work still to be done, especially in defence.
The £40m central defensive partnership of Joleon Lescott and Kolo Toure failed to cope with a second-half bombardment that brought the best out of Shay Given, while Hughes could have expected better than the late panic stations that constantly presented possession back to United.
City will point to absentees Robinho and Emmanuel Adebayor but the failings that pulled the rug from under them were at the other end of the field. City's ambitions will be thwarted until they are solved.
The flaws of both sides only added to the excitement of a thrilling spectacle, as is often the case. And it emphasises the resilience at the heart of United that they have seen off Tottenham and Manchester City, two clubs planning to barge into the top four, even while looking a weaker side than they were last season.
United certainly showed that it will take even more of the Abu Dhabi riches, and certainly more than the odd provocative poster and some well-chosen words, for City to knock them off their perch but they are capable of least giving them a good shove.
And if this was a fight between newly arrived noisy neighbours and the long-time residents at the top end of Premier League territory, then this is an argument that could captivate us all for years to come.



Review of the week

Post categories: Football
BBC Sport blog editor | 08:00 UK time, Friday, 18 September 2009

He might be a dab hand with the Lottery numbers, but even Derren Brown would have struggled to predict events of the past few days.
A 92-year-old woman at the top of the album charts, Patrick Swayze and Keith Floyd leaving us on the same day and Nicklas Bendtner scoring a corker.
At the centre of it all was one Sheyi Emmanuel Adebayor (not sure why he dropped the first name - as acronyms go it's hardly in the same league as US philosopher Norman O. Brown).
To be involved in one controversial incident is a little daft, but two is really taking the biscuit, the bottle, the stool and the numerous other objects that were hurled towards him as the Manchester City striker celebrated his goal in front of the incensed Arsenal fans. Then there was the Van Persie stamp and the subsequent charge of improper conduct which was "reluctantly accepted" by City.
But while events at the City of Manchester Stadium were a little unsavoury, at least they brought the best out of our old mucker Arsene Wenger, who appears hell-bent on wresting the rent-a-quote crown from Ian Holloway. (Ollie, incidentally, was on sparkling form after Blackpool's defeat of Newcastle, stating that he wanted to snog the Seasiders' resident drummer "even though he probably wouldn't like it much".)
One minute Wenger was tearing a strip off his opposite number for defending Adebayor - "You ask 100 people, 99 will say it's very bad and the 100th will be Mark Hughes" - the next he was quoting the Bible, following van Persie's decision to castigate his tormentor in public.
"If somebody stamps on your head in that way, you wouldn't say, 'thank you very much' and turn the other cheek," reasoned Wenger. "Only Jesus Christ did that."
As for Adebayor (altogether now) - he's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy.
Arsene was at least able to afford himself a smile following Arsenal's impressive Champions League win over Standard Liege, especially with Eduardo scoring the winner after having his diving ban rescinded by Uefa.
According to the Gunners boss, the case for the defence was aided by the evidence of 'forensic experts'. Is it just me or did anyone else picture a line of policemen painstakingly combing The Emirates, with men in white coats busily dusting the striker's ankle for stud prints?
To put the cherry on the cake, Wenger used yet another of his made-up words when he dropped 'footballistically' into a conversation about the poor facilities for youngsters in Brazil (you'll remember he already has previous for 'playerish' and 'Old Traffordish').
Don't be surprised if some or all of these phrases become common parlance over the coming years. Ron Atkinson's 'early doors' has been accepted as the norm (even though it makes no sense whatsoever), while only the other day I happened to walk into the front room when Corrie was on to hear Peter Barlow (he's one of the characters apparently) utter the legend 'bouncebackability'. Iain Dowie, take a bow son.
As for Wenger, when he finally hangs up his magic specs (guaranteed to make you miss all your team's controversial incidents) a career in stand-up surely beckons.
There could be a vacancy at Loftus Road's very own Comedy Club if Jim Magilton doesn't get his act together soon - 15 weeks is like a lifetime in the QPR hotseat. Of course in the unlikely event that Flavio Briatore is not deemed to be a 'fit and proper person' to run a football club in the wake of 'Crashgate', he may not even get the opportunity to fire boss number three (or is it four)?
Mind you, according to F1 supremo and QPR co-owner Bernie Ecclestone: "Sometimes good things come out of bad. At least (Flavio) will have more time to pick the team now." Yikes.
My eminent colleague Goughie, who has the misfortune to sit next to me in the office, remarked five minutes before the Briatore story broke that it had been a slow news day. It was swiftly followed by the announcement that Peter Kenyon was stepping down from his role at Chelsea and Karren Brady was leaving Birmingham. I haven't heard a peep from him since.
Meanwhile, Scotland had some news about the departure of George Burley's assistant by announcing: "Ladies and gentlemen, Steven Pressley has left the building." At least that's how they should have worded it.
Pressley's former club Rangers got off to a good start in the Champions League with a 1-1 draw in Stuttgart, while there were wins by the odd goal for all the English representatives.
The biggest talking point was Wayne Rooney's act of petulance after being substituted in Manchester United's game with Besiktas. The striker hurled down his boot in a fit of pique but Sir Alex Ferguson dismissed the incident as something and nothing. Fair enough, the only damage done was to the boot as it hit the concrete - it could have been worse and cut someone's eyebrow, eh Sir Alex?
Rooney's wife is due to give birth to their first child next month and if it takes after Daddy she'd be advised not to put any toys in the pram when she goes out for a stroll along a busy street.
In the meantime there's the small matter of the Manchester derby this weekend. United were apparently moaning that Adebayor should be banned from playing (funny that) and ultimately got their wish, but Pat Rice Evra is hoping his old buddy Carlos Tevez is fit.
"I have been joking with him about the reception he will get," said Pat,. "I don't know if the fans will boo him or clap him... but if they boo him, I will join in!" Ooh, he's a one.
Former United star Beckham got a boost to his chances of making it on the plane to South Africa, when the boss revealed his other half had taken a bit of a shine to the former captain.
Fabio Capello told Marie Claire magazine: "My wife has never told me who her favourite player is but she did have two pictures taken with Beckham a while ago!" So now we know who really called for the restrictions on WAGs at the World Cup.
Capello also declared his passion for the English way of life, an opinion shared by countryman Carlo Ancelotti, who spoke of his love for bacon and eggs, The Beatles and Phil Collins. Well, two out of three ain't bad.
And finally, story of the week involved Dimitar Berbatov who revealed he had to exorcise a few demons before he made the switch to Old Trafford - or rather his uncle did.
The Bulgarian said in The Sun: "He is a priest and exorcist back home - a powerful man who drives out demons and bad spirits. When I moved to United he had a problem with their nickname. As a Godly man he does not like the Red Devils."
And for his next trick, Uncle Berby is going to summon up all his powers to help his nephew locate the back of the net again. But don't hold your breath.



Sunday 13th September Gossip from UK Newspapers

TRANSFER GOSSIP

Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson will make a £20m bid for Sevilla's Luis Fabiano when the transfer window opens in January. (The People)
The Scot will also try to sign Valencia playmaker David Silva in January for £25m.
Full story: News of the World
Ferguson may eventually try to sign West Ham goalkeeper Rob Green as a replacement for Edwin van der Sar.
Full story: Sunday Express
David Beckham is close to announcing that he will return to AC Milan in January as he looks to play in Europe to secure a place in Fabio Capello's England World Cup squad.
Full story: The Mail on Sunday
Everton boss David Moyes will try to sign Dutch forward Rafael van der Vaart from Real Madrid in January. (News of the World)
Celtic are on the trail of 17-year-old Derry City midfielder star Darren McCauley, but will have to fight off Blackburn Rovers to secure his signature. (Sunday Mail)
OTHER GOSSIP
Kevin Keegan takes Newcastle to court this week over his £10m compensation claim after he left as the club's manager last September.
Full story: News of the World
Meanwhile, Chris Hughton has been told he will remain in charge of the Championship club for the rest of the season.
Full story: News of the World
Liverpool will sign a new shirt sponsorship deal worth £80m with London-based bank Standard Chartered.
Full story: Sunday Express
Championship club Swansea have accused Manchester City of poaching 15-year-old Emyr Huws.
Full story: The People
Carlos Tevez's long-time advisor Kia Joorabchian has denied reports the Argentine striker could end up costing Manchester City £47m. (The Observer)
Arsenal are set to offer French defender William Gallas a new contract.
Full story: News of the World
Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp is the leading contender to coach the Great Britain football team at the 2012 Olympics in London.
Full story: Sunday Mirror
England could lose out to Mexico on their preferred training complex at the Royal Bafokeng Sports Campus in Rustenburg for the World Cup in South Africa.
Full story: The Mail on Sunday
Meanwhile, Capello claims that his dream final at the World Cup would see his England team play Italy. (Various)
And he claims that anything less than reaching the final will be a failure for his team.
Full story: The Mail on Sunday
The Football Association is yet to decide whether to allow the England players to twitter during the finals. (News of the World)
AND FINALLY
Newcastle goalkeeper Steve Harper reckons a book about his career at the club would sell more copies than one written by Harry Potter author JK Rowling.
Full story: News of the World



Adebayor madness mars Man City win


Post categories: Premier League
Phil McNulty | 22:37 UK time, Saturday, 12 September 2009

Emmanuel Adebayor - in an act of contrition that came too late to spare him the attention of the Football Association - tugged at the heartstrings amid the pandemonium at Eastlands.
He single-handedly slapped lurid headlines on top of a text that should have only told the story of Manchester City's most impressive mission statement since manager Mark Hughes embarked on the Abu Dhabi-backed refit of his squad.
Adebayor's senseless, provocative 90-yard dash to incite Arsenal's supporters after his goal against his former club provided an unsavoury sub-plot to a 4-2 win that demonstrated Manchester City's revolution is built on substance as well as finance.
He later apologised publicly for an ill-judged burst of pace and stamina that took him from one elated end of Eastlands to hostile territory at the other, explaining: "People who love, people who know me, know how I behave."
Bit lame. And the problem for Adebayor is that the people who do not love him also know how he behaves - and the loveless were easy to track down after he marred a match that crackled from first to last.
Arsenal's supporters actually did not love Adebayor in the dying days of his career at the Emirates and his former team-mate Robin van Persie is no longer in the fan club either after accusing him of "a real lack of class" after having his faced raked by his old mate.
Adebayor's face adorned the walls around Eastlands in readiness for this eagerly-awaited encounter - but they took on the appearance of wanted posters as Arsenal's fans drifted away back to London and the team coach followed them home.
The Gunners' following departed infuriated by the way they were baited by Adebayor, the team - in the battered shape of Van Persie - were left literally scarred by a stray boot that was, at the very best, questionable.
Van Persie was as unerringly on target with his savage public attack on Adebayor as he invariably is in front of goal. He left no room for doubt that he felt this was a deliberate act.
How sad the focus should be on the dark side of a game that Adebayor illuminated with his brilliance before casting a cloud over what might be a seminal day for City with his antics.
Manchester City deserved to claim all the attention and plaudits without distraction after providing enthralling evidence they may challenge the top four this season. It is Adebayor's fault they will not get it.
Emotion is at the heart of the game - and let's be honest human nature will scream at a player to give a bit back to supporters who taunt him mercilessly - but so is common sense and it was conspicuous by its absence in this incident.
And Adebayor's emotions were clearly, and understandably, on overload when he shrugged off his Manchester City team-mates in preference to demonstrating his delight in front of Arsenal fans.
Adebayor's folly - he even spent the moments before kick-off warming up in the Arsenal half - was underscored by the chaos that ensued. The situation briefly threatened to boil over and it was only the prompt and efficient intervention of Eastlands' stewards and police that restored a semblance of order.
Manchester City also managed the situation admirably as boss Hughes followed up Adebayor's regret with an apology - but the damage was done and it might be best if the striker feels his hamstring in the warm-up before the return at the Emirates.
Hughes suggested in his match notes that Adebayor and Kolo Toure, in sharp contrast warmly received by Arsenal's fans, "are not the type of characters who will see today as a chance to make a point."
Adebayor certainly had a strange way of not making his point - but it would also do City a grave disservice to let this sideshow disguise what they served up in front of an esctatic Eastlands.
Manchester City's supporters, as well as the cynics, had been waiting for them to be presented with a serious test to use as a barometer of their pretensions to challenge the established order at the Premier League summit
The meeting with Arsenal, as well as the Manchester derby at Old Trafford next Sunday, were regarded as accurate measures so Hughes was right to be a satisfied manager when attention finally switched back to the football.
Adebayor was the focal point of a City attack that showed verve and variety in abundance in the latter stages of the second half, even without the injured Carlos Tevez and Robinho and the rehabilitating Roque Santa Cruz.
He showed everything that is good about his game with one weaving, wandering run that took out most of the Arsenal defence before serving up a chance Shaun Wright-Phillips somehow missed.
Craig Bellamy was tireless and deserved his goal and Wright-Phillips also got in on the act as City confirmed life will not be dull with such an array of attacking riches at their disposal this season.
Hughes might argue that an even more promising sign was how City hung in as Arsenal dominated the early sparring until Manuel Almunia's own goal put them ahead. It was a trick they repeated when Arsenal dominated the first 20 minutes after the break, a spell of supremacy that brought Van Persie's equaliser.
It was at this point, we all agreed, that "The Old City" would have crumbled to defeat. Not a bit of it - they rode their luck but the way they took Arsenal out with three goals in a devastasting 10-minute spell was impressively ruthless.
Shay Given and Gareth Barry may not be headline-grabbing signings, but their maturity, experience and simple competence make them as valuable as any other new arrivals. Model professionals Hughes can count on in more troubled times.
For Arsenal, that collapse and their failure to take advantage when they were on top must be causes for concern for Arsene Wenger. He drew comparisons with the recent defeat at Manchester United - but this was different and nowhere near as convincing.
There were likenesses, but not in a good way. Arsenal have a nasty habit of conceding goals when they are in charge of football matches. It happened at Manchester United and again here.
Arsenal also showed that the defensive vulnerability Wenger hoped he had eradicated with the introduction of Thomas Vermaelen still lurks waiting to do damage. He was not particularly culpable, but Arsenal's midfield and defence went missing in action in the key phase when City won the game.
The great sadness for City was that on a day when Adebayor's footballing brilliance and the quality of his colleagues should have claimed our undivided attention, his foolishness ensured some of the gloss was stripped away.
So let's at least end with the very positive notes City can rightly dwell on. If we wanted a sign that they not simply all show, this was the biggest they have delivered so far in a flawless start to the new season.


DIVING ME CRAZY

Did you see that swarm of angry bees at the Emirates on Wednesday night?
What a terrible away kit that is, my Celtic friends - pipped only by the knockdown ebay deckchair fabric on offer when Newcastle United come to visit.
Any road, Scott Brown, Snr Donati and all were desperate to get their stingers into one Eduardo da Simulata's face after he plunged to the turf in the box. It was such a sentimental piece of play-acting I could almost smell the whiff of the caps in me cowboy gun going off as he hit the deck.
There are many of us who suspect that football is becoming a non-contact sport and looking at the Boruc-Eduardo incident I've not changed me mind. For the record the regulars at The Blue Bell love it when Celtic play 'cos you can always strike up the same conversation with an irregular in the pub: "Excuse me mate. What's the name of the Celtic keeper?"
"Boruc"
"All right, mate I only asked!"
I tell you it's a laugh a flaming minute down our gaff.
Wenger adjusted his official line of 'I didn't see it' to 'he was probably trying to get out of the way what with his horribly shattered leg only just being fixed 'n' that'.
It's a persuasive argument. I'd use it meself if he was my kid playing in my team. I don't want to even think about the state of that lad's leg ever again.
But the fact is that Eduardo's headlong theatrical plummet was symptomatic of a great malaise in our game. Namely that a forward passing a prone keeper is pretty much programmed to go down these days - even one who can appreciate how lucky he is to still be playing the beautiful game.
An onrushing goalie makes 'em stumble just as surely as Pavlov's dogs used to salivate. The fall is as inevitable as the sulk of a defeated Benitez or the jeers of a temporarily let-down Aston Villa fan.
So what to do about this flagrant and cowardly conmanship?The Scots are up for banning folks for a couple of matches - and Eduardo has now been charged by Uefa - but the point with the Gooners is that the damage has been done. The lad stepped up and slotted the pen and it was Game Over.
Anyway, what you want to do is change the players' behaviour and to me there is only one route: humiliation. Here's how I'd go about it:
1.If someone is pretty much proved to be a diver then they should be treated as one. Don't ban them. Make them play the next game in mask and flippers. Forty-five minutes of Eduardo togged up like Jacques Bloomin Cousteau charging up and down the left flank should make him change his ways.
2. If you do want to enforce a ban then don't let the sneaky little oik have the afternoon off. Clad him out in the wetsuit and the oxygen tanks and make him watch the game through the walls of a water-filled glass cube on the touchline.
Maybe Noel Edmonds could do that hilarious filling the tank with gunk thing that he used to do on House Party. Lord, I miss Edmonds. Covering someone with tons of funny-coloured paint is just about as hilarious as life can get!
3. Send the offender to primary schools across the local area and get them to look into the Disney innocent eyes of the child-fans and get him to explain what the hell he was trying to do as he flopped on to the floor like some two-bit model onto a mattress in a cut-price bed commercial. See how they respond when some naive waif with teary eyes bleats "Say it ain't so, Eduardo".
4. Pursuing the diving theme, give them a good five-game ban and get them to spend that time joining in with one of them macho muppets that makes nature TV programmes about Wild And Dangerous Creatures.
In short, get them swimming with sharks in just their underpants. None of this iron cage on a cable rubbish either. Just the cheating little tumbler and a pack of toothy cartilaginous killing machines and a numpty with an in-mask mike shouting "Isn't this Brilliant, Stevie G!?" To be fair Mr Gerrard has on at least one occasion been marked by one J Barton so it's hardly going to terrify the lad to be submerged in the company of a Great White.
5. A Tom Daley masterclass - from the highest board you can find (brown trunks obligatory I would guess).6. Failing this we must acknowledge and embrace the concept of simulation within the game and allow each team to nominate their designated diver. (A regular poster invented this term - please take the credit yourself son or I'll start telling everyone that I was the genius that came up with it).
The designated diver would be the only player allowed to collapse like a half-price self-assembly bookcase. Everyone else would be ignored if they got clogged in the box but the designated diver, subject to the scores proffered by a panel of nine faceless judges, could earn penalties for his side by legitimately cheating. Could be a winner.
I haven't passed comment on goings-on at Upton Park this week. There's not been a lot of hooliganism at the Riverside for the last 10 years or more. I was caught square in the face by a rogue parmo two years back - the hot cheese left a nasty blister and the garlic sauce doesn't half sting your eyes. That's the least the Irons and Miwwaww 'fans' involved deserve.
I'd use the CCTV pics to ID them and then the whole bunch of 30-something, beer-gutted brain-dead no-mates with no moral compass can become the guinea-pigs for a prototype floating prison.
Push 'em off at Falmouth - no prison officers need be involved bar locking them in - and let em drift towards God knows where while the rest of us watch the football.
(Although we could let some of em - if they behave well - jump into the ocean with errant Arsenal forwards and those lovely sharks)



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